Girl Code trio cracks up the Kirkoff Center

Girl Code trio cracks up the Kirkoff Center

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By Shelby Corliss

The Girl Code trio performed to a full crowd of college students March 13 in the Kirkoff Center at Grand Valley State University. The stand-up comedians, Andrew Shultz, Carly Aquilino and Chris Distefano each performed separately to a sold out crowd of a couple hundred students.

The night began with Shulz who joked about sex, women and relationships.

“Women show love through affection…you say stuff like ‘come here’, which I love…that’s how you show affection, how we know you love us, which is great,” said Shulz, “and then we [guys] show affection through sacrifice.  A lot of times we’ll be loving you and you don’t even know.”

Shulz continued this routine in a comedic way through his use of words and actions while describing real life situations.

He also engaged with the audience. On the topic of sex, Shulz explained the many differences between men and women in a way that had the audience laughing non-stop.

“Maybe if I had a GPS or something I could locate the position in which you want. I don’t wanna break it and then it looks like an Ikea wrench the rest of my life,” he said. “I could put some stomach in it if you want.”

He then made fun of some audience members and asked for the crowd’s opinion on what a flattering thing to say to a guy after sex is.

He ended his gig joking about his fear of skydiving, which the show Guy Code forced him to overcome.

Photo by Shelby Corliss
Schulz

“Skydiving is the stupidest f****** thing. The best case scenario is you live. That’s the best thing that can happen that day, is you make it,” Shulz said. “I asked everybody if they liked it and everybody who went said the same thing. They loved it. And that’s because the people who didn’t really like it are dead.”

New York native, Carly Aquilino was the next comedian to take the stage. She started the night off by responding to “I love you’s” from the audience.

“I luh youuuu too,” impersonated Aquilino. Throughout her performance she joked about alcohol, women, men, and all things love in a real life fashion.

“Does anybody here not drink?” asked Aquilino to the audience, as the room stayed silent. “I always talk to people about drinking and to people who haven’t been drinking long. I always try to give them advice.  So if you guys are new drinkers, don’t drink right now, I’m gonna give you some advice.”

“Don’t ever mix your drinks together, cause if you do you’re gonna learn the hard way. Learn from my mistakes. I’m telling you. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Liquor before beer, I’m a big lesbian,” she said, as the audience laughed. “Yeah, that’s it. Everybody’s moms taught them that.”

She continued the night by saying, “I’m really happy to be here tonight. Mostly because I’m from New York which is cool, but all my friends live there, so I’m happy to get the f*** away from them, cause I hate them so much. I have this philosophy. Nobody likes their friends, right? You have at least one friend that you hate. You’re all thinking of her right now and you’re like f*** that b****, I didn’t invite her, but she’s here for some reason. She’s sitting right next to me so I can’t laugh that hard,” said Aquilino.

On the topic of dating and relationships, she said, “Whatever you do, if you’re dating a guy, just don’t ever tell him you wanna marry him. Like that’s all I know. And I know that because, none of us has ever heard a group of guys sit around talking about how badly they wanna get married,” Aquilino said in a serious tone. “That’s like sitting around and hearing a bunch of girls say, ‘Hey, you know what turns me on? Short guys.’ That’s never the way it happens you guys.”

When Aquilino and Distefano were asked about dating and doing stand-up together, they looked at each other, laughed and then Distefano said, “We broke up, so awkward. But, it was fine and it’s okay doing stand-up with your ex- girlfriend too.”

 “We’re still friends and work together all the time,” said Aquilino.

The last to perform on stage was Distefano, also a New York native. Throughout his performance he was vocal on topics like break ups, hipsters and his friends, all of which focused on real life stories. He also made a recurring joke referring to the Kirkoff center throughout the night.

 “I handle break ups like a complete woman.  If I get broken up with, every single day, I just drink Pinot Grigio and listen to Michael Buble, that’s my whole entire life when I get dumped,” laughed Distefano. “I do work outs. I call them Pinot 90x. I drink a bottle of Pinot Grigio and then try to do P90x and send pictures of my shitty body to my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend. You see these pepperoni nipples? Suck on these yo! She had these pepperoni nipples first!” yelled Distefano.

He also made constant jokes about the name of the “Kirkoff Center”. Questioning the fraternity guys in the audience, he asked, “Do you have to jerk off in the Kirkoff Center? I feel like that would be a good haze.  And then you have to tweet it, #Kirkedoff.” The audience clapped and cheered during his time on stage. He was very relateable to students in the audience.

“Who thinks a college should be called a Kirkoff Center? I’m surprised nobody has you know, spray painted just dicks jerking off all over the walls. That’s what I would do. I woulda been thrown outta school, just everywhere I could, woulda just been an exploding dick,” said Distefano.

 

Photo by Shelby Corliss
Carly Aquilano

“I’m from the streets, this place called Bushwick, New York. That’s an all-Spanish and Black neighborhood. I’ve lived there since 1984, 28 years, original white gangster!” He continued to use street language in Spanish, making the audience laugh.  

Distefano also described the “crazy ass white people from I don’t know wheresville” moving into his neighborhood messing with his street credit.

“I’m the original white dude. I was the only one and now I got these weird hipsters coming in.”

He then changed his voice to a stereotypical hipster, “’We’re gonna make a difference.’ No, You’re gonna get shot,” said Distefano.

“You’re doing yoga off a street lamp. I will kick you in the pussy,” said Distefano. “You can’t have kale out here, bro. Nobody knows what kale is.”

“All my friends are black and now all my black friends think I know these new white people. I’m like, I have no idea who these pussy white people are. Okay? I’m just as scared as you. I don’t want them here,” he said in a defensive tone.    

The night began and ended in laughter from all in attendance. The show was relate-able to students on campus and seemed leave people wanting more.

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