Halloweener

Halloweener

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Cartoon - Cienna Thorndill

By Tara Woods – The Collegiate Staff

Just imagine, it’s October 31, you walk outside just as the sun is setting and twilight is settling in. you look around and see masses of beefy flesh with pops of bright colors. You squint your eyes and cock your head trying to figure out what these men are supposed to be with so little clothing on. All you see is his red shorts cradling his  junk, and nothing but suspenders covering the top half of his half frozen body in the frigid Michigan air. You look a little harder and notice  his  red hat, and it finally clicks that he’s supposed to be a fireman. You wonder how he would survive a fire, let alone save anyone else from it. Although, he could save you any day. You keep looking around, and all you see for miles are men dressed as sexy firemen, police officers, nurses, clowns; you name it, they have it.

Welcome to a new dystopia, where men use Halloween to dress as slutty as the women can. A quick  Google search of “men’s Halloween costumes” will show you just how unfair it all is. The first item to come up is an inflatable t-rex costume. Good luck making that sexy, guys. When you search “women’s Halloween costumes,” the first one you find is a sexy street walker. Where are my sexy male street walkers!? This inequality has to end.

Through the years, women have fought tirelessly for equality. Although this seems small, it would deliver a huge package on society via the slutty mailman. We would no longer have to see men dressed up as scary monsters, ghosts or ghouls. Instead we will see perky plumbers, lusty lutienitis, and mile high stewards.

And for all the men out there rocking the “dad bod,” don’t feel shafted. Your girlfriend might be looking, but she still loves you. What kind of girl would she be if she didn’t look? It’s only human. And don’t get jealous or start to feel down about yourself, you probably still look really cool. Don’t blame your girlfriend either, it’s impossible not to look. They want her to appreciate their costume! Why else would they spend all that time at the gym, if they didn’t want to look like a beef cake?

I mean, Halloween is supposed to be about freedom of expression, and I want men to be really, really free to express their body. They are trapped, with only outfits that make them look creepy, not beefy. On Halloween, the only day with a free pass to be whoever you want, they should be free to be as skanky as possible. Why should only women get to have all the fun?

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