You might be wondering if I’m being serious after you read that headline– and let me just say I am. I am dead serious.
My sister died less than a year ago so the very deep emotional wound is still fresh. And just as I’m reminded every time I attend a grief workshop or sit next to an “empath” for too long, my pain will never really go away.
I think it’s about time someone tells the public the “do’s and don’ts” of talking to grieving people. Maybe doing this will prevent you from chiming in when you really just shouldn’t.
Grief like mine brings awkward situations and conversations, and I’ve come to the conclusion this might never stop happening. Meeting a new person always will eventually lead to me saying, “Oh, yeah no, she’s dead.”
I remember one of my first new-friend interactions following my sister’s death, and it went a little something like this:
“Oh, I like your tattoo, what does it mean?”
“Um. It’s matching with my sister.”
“Oh that’s cute! So what made you decide on a frog?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why is the frog on the phone?”
“It’s supposed to be like she’s on the other line, except she can’t really answer now. (haha)”
“What?”
“Oh, she’s dead.”
I agree that was awkward. I’m no longer in contact with the person and to think– a beautiful friendship could have emerged had I not ruined it by talking about my dead sibling.
That brings me to my first point.
- DO NOT bring up your dead family members to grieving people (unless it’s actually relatable).
When someone is talking about their dead loved one, let them talk about their dead loved one.
You don’t have to bring up your dead grandparent or compare your dog’s accidental hit-by-a-car death to my sister’s hit-by-a-car death. Was your pet’s death painful? Yes. Was your golden retriever going to be the maid of honor at your wedding? If you said yes, I take back everything I said. But I’m guessing you’re sensing the difference between the two, right?
It is not helpful when someone begins to tell stories about their dead grandmother either. I stand by the fact that grandparent deaths are entirely different than losing someone in your immediate family. Your grandma lived a full life by 92, my sister was 28… do you see the difference yet?
That being said, if you have lost someone close to you like a parent or sibling, by all means, share your heartbreaking story. I’d love to hear it. Why? I know how uncomfortable it is to share with people who don’t fully understand.
- Stop shutting down jokes about death, and seriously DO NOT add your own.
Humor is one of the main ways I cope with this excruciating pain (as you may have guessed). That being said, my next point is: let your friend joke about death. Even if it makes you a little uncomfortable. Our whole lives are filled with discomfort, you can deal with it for a minute or two.
Occasionally dropping a little joke about death or grief helps in a weird way. Does that mean you should chime in? Absolutely not.
Do not comment when you hear I’m wearing my sister’s favorite pair of jeans by saying: “at least she can’t ask for them back” because I will not laugh.
Just. Don’t. Do. That.
If I say something about my sister not being able to steal back her (and my) favorite pair of jeans, laugh. Laugh or we are no longer friends.
- DO NOT spontaneously share your memories or feelings about a person’s deceased loved one.
Sometimes I love hearing those in my life talk about my sister. Hearing their memories sometimes helps, but sometimes it really doesn’t. That is why you should never bring up a person’s dead loved one unprompted.
There is nothing worse than having an awful day where I just can’t stop replaying finding out about my sister’s death in my head, to then be bombarded with someone’s random trip down memory lane. Shut up.
- DO NOT complain about minuscule things, when that person asks you to distract them.
That does sound a little confusing, let me break it down for you.
If I’m having an awful day and I ask you to distract me by just talking about anything that is not death or grief or my sister, maybe don’t start with complaints about how detrimental the stain on your favorite sweatshirt is or how the flight you want to book to Bora Bora is full.
If there is one thing about people dealing with grief, it’s that we have set aside minuscule things in our lives (or at least I have, I guess I can’t speak for everyone). The main struggle in my life is, and might always be, my sister’s death. So obsessing over small inconveniences is not even worth my energy. Dealing with your small inconveniences is really not worthy of my energy. Do you get it?
- DO appreciate that person dealing with grief in your life.
Now to the only ‘do’ on the list.
Can you imagine the brainpower it takes to go about life after such a traumatic experience? Perhaps now after reading this, you have seen a glimpse of the inner workings of a brain rewiring itself (it actually does that following a traumatic event like death).
This new rewired brain is hard to deal with, it’s like living life on one of the hardest levels imaginable. So, that person you know who is going through something similar to me deserves tremendous appreciation.
Buy them a house. I’m just kidding. If you’re Elon Musk, then it’s crucial and actually required for you to buy this person a new house. And while you’re at it, I also would appreciate a new house.
Seriously, random check-ins do more good than you think. Stopping by and giving this person a little treat or sharing a laugh can make all the difference. They deserve to feel appreciated, even if it’s just simply saying thank you for existing.
This may have been a confusing column. Dare I say, complex.
Some of the funniest people out there are those with serious emotional baggage. So, those dealing with grief might be the best people to talk to. To all of those fortunate to still have all your loved ones, I hope this inspired you to tell that person that lost someone they’re doing great, even if you don’t fully understand why.
