By Jamie Miller
Greetings Nightlighters, it is I, “the lean, mean, writing machine” Jamie Miller with yet another issue of Nightlight. Now as you know, because of the pandemic many of us have a lot of free time on our hands, giving us the time to binge eat, sleep for ridiculous lengths of time and binge watch TV causing many to gain weight… unless you’re me who despite doing all of this somehow managed to lose 50 pounds. I achieved this through means some would find… unnatural and if you get that joke you are awesome. Anyway, read on to find out how I lost weight.
Now as any professional trainer will tell you, cardio is vital. However, instead of using a jump rope or jumping jacks, I take a more unconventional approach. One way I implement cardio is I will go upstairs (as I live in the basement,) find my black lab puppy, and incite him into running around the house at high speed and try to catch him. Oftentimes this involves leaping over clothes baskets and box fans at breakneck speeds, as I do. Another effective, albeit unusual calorie burn, was inspired by a plumbing issue. For about a year, my toilet in the basement was broken, so as a result, I had to run up and down the stairs every time I had to use the bathroom. There has never been a better motivation to stair climb, although late at night it was more of a stair stumble and crawl.
Another thing I do is practice wrestling moves. I have a wrestling dummy and will often suplex it across the room, leap to my feet, elbow drop the dummy then pick it up and repeat a few times. Another wrestling-inspired stunt that I perform on the regular is leaping over my dresser to get onto my bed. This is my version of a pro wrestler jumping over the ropes to the outside of the ring.
To burn a few calories I’m constantly doing bicycle kicks and knee strikes. I also regularly roundhouse kick my punching bag, oftentimes I kick my leg over the bag without touching it. Word of caution, wear loose-fitting pants lest you may reveal more than you would like post kick.
I also work on my upper body strength. This I achieve through creative means. At first, I tried push-ups which I am able to do, but I basically do a soft face plant every time. So, I instead trained myself to do a variety of pull-ups. Originally, I couldn’t even do one normal pull up so instead I would get a running start, jump, grab the bar and hang with my chin above the bar as long as I could. My record is nearly 20 seconds. Finally, after doing this for a few weeks I was able to do a regular pull-up. Then I was able to do multiple reps. Albeit I had to drop to my feet before lifting myself again, as I did this, I clutched my ankles together. But of course, I had to get creative so I developed what I call a pendulum pull-up, copyright pending. For this, you lift yourself up as if going for a regular pull-up but as you get off the ground you tilt your whole body before going back into a regular pull-up position and doing a regular pull-up all of this without letting your feet touch the ground.
I also do a crap ton of crunches and sit-ups and add in elbow strikes every time I pull one off. I also do weighted punches. For this, I stand far away from anything breakable such as my TV and grasp two 15 pound weights, then I begin punching the air switching between using my left arm and right.
Another thing I do that I’m fairly certain helped me lose weight is sleep… A lot, like 13 hours a day. And, yes, I know you’re probably wondering how that helped me lose weight. Well, since I’m sleeping a lot I don’t have time to eat as often. And considering I eat great quantities that is quite the difference.
As a result of my strange pandemic fitness routine, I went from weighing 260 pounds to 218 pounds.
*Disclaimer: The Collegiate does not guarantee these results. And our student media adviser wants me to tell you to consult with your doctor before starting any fitness plan, especially one cooked up by an entertainment writer.