How to throw a bitchin’ Super Bowl party

By Lizz Vensas
Collegiate Staff Writer

Unless you have been living under a rock or in another country, you know that in early February Americans will be tuning in to one of the years biggest sporting events.  I’m talking of course about the Super Bowl.  This Sunday sees the Patriots go up against the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI.  Even more important than watching the battle on the gridiron and hoping Madonna doesn’t break a hip during the halftime show, is throwing a kick-ass Super Bowl party.  You know you want to be talked about in a good way; known for fantastic dips, a diverse selection of beer, and some kickin’ chicken wings.  The key with throwing a good Super Bowl party, and with any party, is to know your party guests.  We here at the Collegiate wanted to assist you and your group of friends in watching football in style.  We have personalized several party models to fit you and your group.

For Hipsters

The key to throwing a hipster party is balancing the effort that goes into planning an event without looking like you’re trying too hard.  Don’t ever make the mistake of underestimating the difficulties in this process.   The the number one thing you don’t want are guests quipping about you trying too hard.  As the host make sure you cook no food yourself, don’t worry about how you’ll feed your guests.  Just stick to bags of chips, get an order of chicken wings from Pop Eyes, and make sure you pick up some RC Cola to wash it all down.

No Super Bowl party is complete without a homemade dip, for this you will rely on your guests.  At least four attendees to your party will show up with a completely new, unique vegan dip.  Chances are that all of their dips will be identical, so it’s your job to space them out among the bags of chips.  My recommendation, place one on the kitchen counter, one in front of the TV, one on the kitchen table, and the other out by the smokers.  With so many hipsters in one place the cameras will come out, after all it is time for a new Facebook profile pic, so stock up on extra combs and have a couple of hand mirrors available.

No good hipster party would be complete without ironic football decorations.  Hang football banners, streamers, and then strategically scatter cut outs of little brown construction-paper football players around the house.  Do not get themed plates and napkins, stick to paper plates and the cheapest, plainest white napkins you can find.  On the day of the party make sure your internet connection is working at its fastest speed.  You never know when you might need to hop on Twitter.  During the party, you will of course need to have music fighting with the game over noise space and your playlist should consist of little known bands from the ‘80s and ‘90s.

Alcohol for hipster parties is fairly easily handled; just make sure to stock up on PBR and the cheapest vodka that Seven Eleven carries.  To ensure guests happiness keep a carton or more of American Spirits on hand to bum to party goers.  As for the actual football, turn the volume on your little TV so that you just barely hear bits and pieces of the game.  Those really interested can always glance at the screen to get score updates in between puffs.  With all this, your guests are sure to have a wonderful time.  Just don’t feel too down if everyone looks lethargic and bored, after all it is a hipster party.  Acting like you don’t care is as important as skinny jeans and fashion scarfs.

For Bros

Okay bros, you have been waiting for this all year, and with the right planning it could end up to be an epic night.  First things first, do you have your sports jersey clean, pressed, and ready to go?  You need to have everyone know who you’re representing and what you’re all about before they talk to you.  Next, make sure you rent the biggest flat screen you can find and hook that cable up so you can watch the game in high definition.  As you know if it’s not in high def then it’s not going to be worth watching anyways.  Also, invest in obnoxious speakers; your guests need to know that you spent money on this party.

A standard recommendation for any bro party is to empty the furniture out of a room, preferably the room would be adjacent to where the game is playing.  Use this room just in case a bro fight breaks out, then easily usher the fighting partiers in there and away from your nice rented big screen.

The food set up is integral to how well received your rager will be.  Serve the food on a long table in the dining room.  Make sure the big screen can be just barely heard.  A bro never wants to go without hearing the game, but this is really the time for bros to get together and talk about the last rager they were at together and how awesome their frat parties were.  The good news about the food is that every guest will probably try to outdo each other on what they can bring.  There will be eight seven-layer dips; every type of chicken wing modern scientists would be able to come up with, meatballs in special bro sauce, pigs in a blanket wrapped in bacon, and a lot of bricks of Velveeta cheese.  The bad news, you will have to organize who brings what and make sure any vegetables are accompanied by a 500 calorie dip.

Alcohol is also an important aspect of the party.  Bud Light is the must; nothing goes better with a beer bong.  However make sure you have some upscale mini brew beers in the cooler as well.  Don’t forget about the bro-dettes either, make sure to have a diverse selection of liquor.  For game day provide the ladies with some Bloody Marys and Bacardi diet coke and rums.  Ladies are also important to the guest list.  The ratio should be at least one guy to one girl.  Sausage fests are a big party foul for bro events.

One heads up is to make sure you do all of your final preparations the night before your party.  Last minute runs to stores won’t be an option for you, pre-gamming is a tradition of any good party.  Signs of a successful bro party will show when someone’s sick, two fights have broken out, and heckling is at the maximum, all during Madonna’s half time show.  One thing I recommend is that as guests arrive, collect keys with coats.  Remember bros don’t let bros drive drunk.  With these helpful tips this super bowl Sunday will be your most epic black out ever.  Especially when you chug a beer at every half time commercial.

For Bettys

Don’t worry ladies, you haven’t been forgotten.  We have fresh new ideas to make any football party you throw chic.  It will rival those long forgotten Oprah afternoons that you used to have with the girls. Martha Stewert.com will be your new guide to life; you will live, breathe, and eat like Martha.  She has an extensive super bowl section on her website; it is full of recipes, homemade craft ideas, and a how to for the perfect party invitations.  One thing to keep in mind is that Stewart is a professional; planning a party like her can’t be a last minute ordeal.  You will need a minimum of three weeks to get everything ready.  A good recommendation for the food is to keep everything light, somewhere around 250 calories is about the right range.  Whatever you do, do not serve beer at your soiree.  Beer will only bloat the guests and cause an awkward line at the bathroom.  Instead invest in a new IPhone app that instructs you on hip new mixed drinks.  Then break out the martini glasses and those new dishes you have been dying to show off.  For this type of party, the football game will be muted most of the time.  Have the remote  close in case you see a cute commercial.  Don’t worry about what to do while the game is on; chances are that’s a good time for gossip.  However make sure to watch for the main event, Madonna’s half time show.  At this point be ready to hand guests a pen and paper, judging Madonna’s outfit as well as song choice, dance moves, voice quality, and actual age will be a good use of time.  If you want to be clever make a game out of it. Play a guessing game with such questions as “how much work has she had done and how young is her boyfriend?”

An extra special touch to any upscale party is grab bags.  Fill your personalized bags with sugar free chocolate, scented lotions, little pink football key chains, and a 10 dollar gift card to a salon so you can plan your next mani-pedi session with the girls.  All kidding aside remember this is a fun time for a ladies night in, so put on your best pink jersey and get ready for some football.

Classic

Along with the many types of super bowl parties thrown this year, there will also be the classic party.  One where attendees go to actually sit, watch, and enjoy the game.  People who throw these are usually veterans to the party-throwing game. They know the good place to stock up on supplies, like Meijer, which is a great place for sales, or Aldi’s where everything is cheaper.  For the veterans, I would recommend just trying to be a little bit more creative this year. Buy pretzel chips and pair it with horseradish cheddar dip or try a branch out on your 7 layer dip.  Greek or Mediterranean 7 layer is always good.

“We have bunch of dips, cheesy hamburger dip, 7 layer taco dip, and a good veggie plate,” said Amberly Kauranen.  Amberly is a GRCC student who throws an annual super bowl party with her boyfriend.  She says that experience has taught her that having a potluck is the best way to go.

“Don’t really ever worry about dessert though, alcohol can make a great substitute for that,” said Kauranen.  Our advice is to have a wide selection of drinks to accommodate everyone.  Pop for the kids, beer for the serious game-day watchers, and some Mike’s Hard Lemonade for those who don’t drink as much.  Irish coffee and chocolate liquor are a great way to cap off the night.  The must-haves for these party goers are friends, good seating, and a stable cable connection.  For those not as interested in the game, you can still enjoy a good time with people you care about watching the best commercials of the year and Madonna’s half time show.

No matter what your style is, remember to enjoy the game and drink safely.