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Who I was, who I am, and who I want to be

- Courtesy of Heather Tilma

By Heather Tilma – The Collegiate Staff

With an endless cycle of bingeing on random shows on Netflix, working, and barely scraping by in college. And with attempting to keep myself and my family afloat, can be extremely time-consuming. While trying to keep them from drowning themselves and from trying to drown each other, I have lost myself in the depths below.

I have been used to doing the bare minimum to stay on good terms with family, work, and not to flunk out of my classes. I’ve realized that I have lost myself in the aftermath of it all. Who am I? I am definitely not the same girl before I started college and I’m okay with that. Change can be good and it is a must in order to move forward in life. Although it can be difficult (as to be expected) this isn’t a fairy tale. I used to dream of a guy that would someday come to my rescue and would take me away from everything to live happily ever after.

After surviving the required K-12 education I have come to the realization that it will never happen. Even if someday I am lucky enough to find the man of my dreams I will still have to be able to stand on my own. Be my own independent women who can take care of herself most of the time and for the times she can’t, be able to bring herself up to her feet again.

Growing up I found the girls who had piercings, dyed hair, and who were confident in themselves the most beautiful people. They bent the rules and tested the limits and found who they were. While I was sitting in the corner hiding in my shell hoping no one would notice me. I want to be that person who those admire, love, and fear. The person who obviously doesn’t have everything together but is determined to get through it all one way or another.

I used to be the shy little girl that everyone didn’t think much of. Now I have a classmate that told me that at one point they used to be afraid of me (in a good way, if that is possible). I know that isn’t something that I should necessarily be proud of but I am! To realize that I have finally changed my image is so uplifting to know that it is possible.

It takes time, a new environment, and dedication to make it happen but it can be done. You’re not stuck with the person you currently are. If it’s what you desire you can change and grow to become the person you want to be. As for me, to become the person you wished you were when you were younger. The one who lets their emotions out and can deal with them. Instead of what I usually do; bottle everything up until the cork pops open letting every emotion overcome me all at once.

I am not perfect, no one is. I got a lot of changing and evolving to do yet. I am not an expert in life all I want to know is what happened to the girl who sat for hours writing down words and sayings that sang to her soul. The one who couldn’t get her eyes off the pages of a book until the story was over. Because I miss that person. I want her back. I hope that one day she and I will meet each other again.