By Jasper Little
For folks all around the world, Valentine’s Day is a chocolate-dipped, rose-scented, pink-and-red-tinted dream. Lovers come together and celebrate their shared affections with kisses and gifts. They’ll book a romantic reservation for two, or maybe catch a movie at the local theater. But what about those “sexy singles” in our area? Is the fourteenth of February destined to be nothing but a lonesome, twisted nightmare?
Well… yes! But not in the way you might think.
Rather than indulge in the horrors of third-wheeling or the psychological thriller that is swiping on the apps, why not take a chance and spend the night with one of these five freaky, not-so Valentine’s Day flicks?
“Ready Or Not” (2019)
A beautiful bride’s special day becomes even more memorable as her in-laws invite her to participate in their family’s game night. Scream queen Samara Weaving’s portrayal of Grace is a delightful mix of fun and intense, and the stakes of hide-and-seek have never felt so dire. Whether you’re happily single (or unhappily married) there is something here for you! Tune in for a quick 1 hour 35 minute runtime as Grace fights for survival and rightfully earns her title as the #IHateMyBF Final Boss.
- “Creep” (2014)
Yearning for connection…Long walks in the woods…Bromance…Patrick Brice’s “Creep” has it all, and more. Maybe too much. But that’s okay! For the film’s antagonist, Josef, being “too much” never stopped him from fulfilling his creative vision, and heck, even making a few friends along the way. The perfect dark comedy for anyone who can stomach crazy second-hand embarrassment and appreciate Mark Duplass completely owning the role he was born to play for 1 hour and 22 minutes.
- “Jennifer’s Body” (2009)
The true horror is having a beautiful friend who insists on dating someone who doesn’t deserve them. In this cult classic, a demon-possessed Jennifer (Megan Fox) begins eating the boys in town, and it falls on her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) to stop her before it’s too late. Sexuality is a weapon, and femininity a vast spectrum, where at one end lives a self-sacrificial hometown hero, and at the other, an empowered, bloodthirsty succubus. Watching it once will take about 1 hour and 45 minutes. Best enjoyed with popcorn and a friend you wouldn’t mind making out with!
- “MISERY” (1990)
In this Stephen King adaptation, famous author Paul Sheldon (James Caan) suffers a car accident during a blizzard and is cared for by a kind, mysterious stranger. Kathy Bates steps into the role of Annie Wilkes, a woman whose pure devotion drives her down some dark (and very snowy) paths. You’ve heard of “If you love something, let it go”, now try “If you love something, hold it hostage in your cabin for the 1 hour 47 minute runtime!”
- “Devil” (2010)
For fans of the “forced proximity” trope, why not spend your Valentine’s Day enjoying this mediocre meet-cute? Five strangers get trapped in an elevator. One of them is the Devil. Who do you seek comfort in? Who do you side-eye? You only have 1 hour and 20 minutes to figure it out in this film produced by M. Night Shyamalan.
Honorable Mention: “Her” (2013)
Okay, so it wasn’t a horror movie a decade ago. Uncomfortable, yes, but not horror. However, as we enter this post-ChatGPT world, the absurdism begins to feel less absurd and more, “Hey, I just read an article about that, and it’s real, actual life! We might be in Hell!”
That said, Spike Jonze’s love story follows Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) as he navigates life after his divorce. Loneliness gets the best of him, and soon the companionship he sought from his AI-operating system develops into something romantic and “real”. Blurring the lines of perception and reality, “Her” uses every moment of its 2-hour and 6-minute runtime to make audiences question what love really is, and whether our technology truly makes us more connected, or just more content with being alone.
